Good morning my long lost loves…or well, maybe I am the long lost one,
I have no excuses regarding my absence except the following:
I’m having a baby…a baby boy…
which may not seem like a good excuse and probably it isn’t. But this small garbage disposal living inside of my body has been making me do a lot of strange things lately like…
1. eat carbs non-stop (who invented bagels?…I’d like to give him/her a piece of my mind for the next 4 1/2 months, please)
2. not want to shower (something I promise I have again and again done to defy his demands)
3. throw up most any fruit I attempt to consume (get on my level, you monster!)
4. not enjoy eating my beloved HaloTop (why are you doing this to me, man?)
5. forcing me to buy out every plaid shirt that Carter’s has ever been made for a newborn (if you ever meet my husband, you will understand this compulsion)
6. not wanting to cook anything (and I LOVE TO COOK!)
While this is for sure the happiest and most exciting time in our lives, full dislosure, I’ve really struggled to figure out how to maintain and be consistent in my healthy eating throughout these last 23 weeks. It has been way harder than I could have imagined. I feel shame about it. I feel like a fraud for it. I’ve given myself a really hard time about gaining too much or not looking like other pregnant bellies who are at my same milestone. All of those fears and voices don’t stop all the sudden because you are creating this miracle. I think they are shorter lived perhaps, maybe–but they creep in and you entertain them. Then you try to talk yourself out of it, and then you go on instagram and search the hashtag #2oweeks or someone innocently reminds you how far your hips have spread for the fortieth time today, and you simply crumble.
Being pregnant has not empowered me to overcome my body demons, but it has empowered me–being pregnant has made me appreciate my body in ways I couldn’t have imagined. This journey has helped me to be a lot more gracious toward the vessel that is creating a human. One who has my nose and my lips already, sorry Tyagan.
I’m still working out consistently (thank you, my little freeloader), which is helping me to feel strong and stronger. That’s something. Definitely something. But I think part of why I haven’t written in so long is I’ve been kind of embarrassed. And also–I’ve felt small in the midst of a sea of voices (mostly on the interwebs) telling me what to do and how I should feel about what’s happening to me right now. And friends, it is overwhelming. I’ve felt more and less productive in the last five and half months than since I’m pretty sure I learned to walk. This time is awkward and sacred, and it’s making me into someone new but who I have actually always been. It’s mindblowing. And I’m learning. I recently picked up, at my girlfriend Kate’s recommendation, Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequest, and have simultaneously been rereading Big Magic by Melissa Gilbert. Other voices are helping sort through some of the questions and transition–and remembering who I am and what I’m capable of creating even in the midst of this weird creative reality that somehow I’m giving life to something.
I’m still sorting through the feelings and the waves of other’s experiences–good, bad, indifferent…and I am trying not to allow my voice and experience to feel silenced among the noise.
So there you go, friends, and here we are, my bagel order has just been called, so I’m going to need to get that.
Kori and Baby B